I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
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ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Basketball
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.