Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
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No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
This is a sub tweet
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo