“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
You Might Also Like
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
the three branches of government
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.