The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
You Might Also Like
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana