[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
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It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet