Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
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Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”