Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
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[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I have questions??
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Just got to our Airbnb!
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.