I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
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“what that mouth do?” complain
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Batman v Dracula
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?