I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
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[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels