Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
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I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
hmm conte-me mais
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.