Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
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As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!