[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
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me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you