My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
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The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.