FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
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Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.