My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
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Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Canada has crack?
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.