5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
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House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
lost dog
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver