[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
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what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
nyc:
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”