Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
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when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.