over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
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Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers