My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
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Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.