the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
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[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.