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Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I’m Sold!
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.