5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
You Might Also Like
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me