Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
You Might Also Like
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Free him
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted