I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
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Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.