“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
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[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
mechanics be like
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Sending in my taxes
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters