Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
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I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
CRYING