A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
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My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.