As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
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[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic