An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
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When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Passwords are more important than ever.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
A game married people play.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12