Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
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My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
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ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.