I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
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My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
multitasking lunch
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!