the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
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My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
People buying plungers never look happy.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.