Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
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Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Okey dokey.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?