The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
You Might Also Like
Not recommended for beginners.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Ummm
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.