[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
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*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
my mom making me talk to relatives
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Just how popey was the pope today?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I’m sorry…what?
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint