If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
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I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.