My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
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One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
BaD BoY!!
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.