I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
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Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!