If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
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wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.