“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
6. me as a lawyer
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work