PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
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me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits