[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
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Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*