Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
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Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best