Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Introverted vegans go meetless
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie