Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking