One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
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Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*