My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
You Might Also Like
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
<—- homeless romantic