Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
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3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”