Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
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The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?